On Women

On Women     by Neal Johns

Since I have not been on any trips lately, my devious mind turns to thinking about Women. Not just any woman, but that collective, Borg-like, group that Ambrose Bierce defined in The Devil’s Dictionary as “….the unfair sex”. Old Ambrose had it right. Ever since we (men) conceded the vote to them, they have pushed for all sorts of silly “rights” that they are ill-equipped to handle.

            Sure, in the past they could handle what appears to be the painful process of childbirth and the day after get behind the plow or carry the burden while walking behind their man, but no doubt, that is because they have less brain cells to process the sensory inputs. I offer some quotes below to illustrate what is wrong with the world since they were given the vote in 1920.

“Women have been taught that, for us, the earth is flat, and that if we venture out, we will fall off the edge.”   ~Author Unknown

            Well of course it is flat. If it were a ball, would we not fall off it when we visited Australia?

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.” ~Dave Barry

            Can you believe this?

“I am woman!  I am invincible!  I am pooped!”  ~Author Unknown

            Well, of course she is pooped; watching soap operas all day while her man is at work tires her brain!

“I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament.”  ~Alanis Morissette, quoted in Reader's Digest, March 2000

            Come on! Women are interchangeable units made for men’s pleasure.

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.”  ~Joseph Conrad

            I never heard of this guy but he must be Al Qaeda or Taliban.

“I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead.  He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war.”  ~Robert Mueller

            Let’s hear it for the Wise Old Burmese Guy!

“Men will often admit other women are oppressed but not you.”  ~Sheila Rowbotham

            Ha! You think we want to die in out sleep?

“Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.  The relative positions to be assumed by man and woman in the working out of our civilization were assigned long ago by a higher intelligence than ours.”  ~Grover Cleveland, 1905

            Never heard of him, but he sure got this right!

“[Feminism is] a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”  ~Pat Robertson

            Great news! Sounds like God is on our side.

“Easy is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.”  ~Nancy Linn-Desmond

            What is the matter with this woman? You can’t compare the two; a woman should act like a lady.

“Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist if at the same time she manages to be a good wife, a good mother, good-looking, good-tempered, well-dressed, well-groomed, and unaggressive.”  ~Marya Mannes

            I don’t know who this lady is, but she has it right!

            And in closing, here is some of the balderdash that seems to be the summary of the little darlings’ complaints:

“Because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect childcare we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty about abortion and...for lots of other reasons we are part of the women's liberation movement.”  ~Author unknown, quoted in The Torch, 14 September 1987